Oscar Rat's Secret Missions Read online

  ***

  Our mission in Azerbaijan was different. Human’s had already bribed the authorities not to make a fuss and shoot at Israeli planes if they flew along the coast on their way to Iran. We'd promised to use their roads to bring Israeli supplies to the war front once it was started. The US and Israel had already started to improve the roads from Georgia, through Azerbaiijan to Iran.

  The natives there don’t get along all that well with Iran in the first place. It’s an ethnic thing. It seems there’s a break-away province, Nagorno-Karabakh, of ethnic Armenians from next door. It has never been assimilated into Azerbaijan proper. Since Azerbaijan is mostly Shia Muslim as are Iranians and the Armenians Christian, the Iranians prefer it stay that way.

  “They’re Christian?” I asked. I had no idea. I thought all those countries there were Muslim.

  “Na, Charlie. They’ve been Christian since the fourth century BC, were the first nation to adopt Christianity as a state religion.

  “Our mission, Iyana’s and mine, was to deal with the Armenian rodents to stop them from interfering with the resupply trucks. For that task, Iyana was coming along for the ride as an emissary of her country. Besides paying them, I was to make false promises of uniting those Armenian rats with Armenia itself. They didn’t know I had no such clout.

  “That’s the way it’s done among us diplomats. Promises that are not meant to be kept, only to buy time. They knew it and I knew it, but their common rats didn’t. Those wealthy rats wanted two things, money and status quo. If they were united with Armenia, they knew they’d be out of work. The Armenians would push them aside to take over those lucrative positions. No doubt the Iranians also knew that last point.

  “I won’t bore you, Charlie, with the minutes of a half-dozen meetings with supercilious rodents. You’ve probably never thought of how much damage we rodents can cause if we try hard. Rats trained to use explosives are rare in the US, but not in many countries. Four-legged ratties can’t carry as much weight in explosive devices as the two-legged kind, but we also have strong teeth and can place them easier. A dozen half-ounce charges of C-4 have the same power as one six-ounce one. A suicidal rat jumping onto a truck hauling gasoline and carrying a grenade is very dangerous. And there are millions of rats in any country.”

  “Where does the second rat lady come in, Oscar,” I asked. “You said there was two of them.”

  I’d swear Oscar wiped a tear. “I -- I don’t really want to talk about that, old friend. It hurts too much.”

  “Come on, Oscar. Let it out. You"ll feel better for it.”

  He wanted another drink first. He drank it down while silently looking out the window at a sunset. Then came a second saucer of vodka and soda before he continued.

  “One night I came back early to the room we were renting. Iyana said she had something to do, so I returned by myself. It was unexpected. A meeting had been canceled at the last minute.

  “Anyway,” he said after a short pause to wipe tearing eyes, “Anyway, someone was in our room. It was a female rat bent over my suitcase.

  “When I grabbed the intruder and spun her around I was face to face with ... with ... my God, with Rava Khargoosh. When I’d left her in Iran a couple of years ago I thought she was dying. You remember that mission for Georgie and Dick?”

  I reached over to scratch him behind the ears. “Yes, old friend. The one where you were sent to find evidence of Iranian bomb-making, and found none at all. The one where Rava saved you and that American Special Forces officer by biting an Iranian soldier on the nose and getting shot while doing it. And where you appropriated and sent me a million fake Iranian Rials to hide for you.”

  “She didn’t die there after all.”

  Oscar seemed to shudder, concentric circles forming in his vodka saucer. “And now she’s after me. I"ll tell you how it happened.

  “‘Oscar!’ she said, jumping back a step. ‘It is really you. I heard there was an American secret agent working with the Zionist Entity, but couldn’t believe it was you.

  “‘We were lovers. I even saved your worthless life, and this is how you repay me. By fighting against my country, the country that I love.’" she said.

  “She opened her beautiful mouth and ... and ... and spit in my face. A knife appeared in her hand, ready to skewer my precious hide. That’s when I grabbed her, pinning her to the bed on top of the suitcase.

  “Although she struggled, I kept her down, the knife falling to the floor, and kissed those lips that once were mine. No female can resist my practiced kiss, no matter how incensed. I could feel anger flow outward, even as the struggles lessened.

  “We made love on a suitcase. Never try it, Charlie. Afterward, while we lay in semi-delirious post-ecstasy, I saw Iyana standing in the open doorway.

  “Almost instantly, there was a cat ... I mean rat fight. I was ejected from the pile of female fighting flesh and found myself on the floor.

  “Enough of this shit, I decided. Foregoing the baggage, including my suitcase, I headed for Baku Port to stow away on the nearest freighter for a trip north to Russia.

  “It took a month, but I finally made it back to America. Because of a lack of funds, my longtime skills as a merchant sea-rat helped immensely.”

  “Whooo! You've had quite an adventure, Oscar. But what are you doing here? Why don’t you go down the hall to your own apartment, including wife and daughter? And,” I said, “what does Obama think of you abandoning your mission?”

  My old buddy dipped his shaggy head, whiskers drooping. “I’ve been afraid of Obama. A friend in Washington told me those girls made up for a common cause ... castrating me. Can I stay here tonight and you check to see if my wife has found out ... yet?”

  “Sure, old pal. I"ll get you something to sleep on.”

  Well, Malodor did find out. Right now, Oscar’s hiding in my bedroom closet. He’s fairly comfortable with a television and his other old buddy, Jim Beam.

  -----------

  Hmmm! I’ve been wondering lately. The talk lately is of Israel maybe attacking the Iranian nuclear sites but not having any way to refuel along the way. Also about the US not allowing them to fly over American controlled airspace.

 

  What about the American public not being aware of all those Israeli and American warplanes sitting in airports in Georgia? Could they possibly be used to attack Iran from the north, flying across Azerbaijan and the Caspian Sea to Iran without refueling? Maybe even flying back to Georgia to refuel and make another strike?

  If the Iranians were to, heaven forbid, fight back, we could threaten them with ground attacks from three sides? Yes. I wonder about those things.

  The End,

  Charlie